Thursday, April 7, 2011

If I want to...

Given the recent proliferation of parodies of Cesare Borgia's psychotic rant in Sequence 8 of Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood, we at The Daily Crap have decided to make a collection of such mockeries here. Note that any references to real people, objects, places, etc. here are not meant to be insults and are regretted as they are necessary parts of the joke(s).

The Classroom:
[Context]: A teacher allows students to buy drinks and drink them in the class, but does not want them to spill the drinks:

Students: Do you not see, Teacher? We control all of this . If we want to drink, we drink, if we want to spill, we spill, if we want you to die, you DIE!

Pop Stars:
[Context]: Rebecca Black is driving with her friends and singing "Friday". A policeman stops them for speeding and disturbing the peace:

Rebecca: Do you not see, policeman? I control all of this . If I want to drive, I drive, if I want to speed, I speed, if I want to sing, I SING! The policeman's eardrums proceed to burst, killing him.

Discipline:
[Context]: A teacher is tired of her class misbehaving and decides to begin ranting:

Teacher: Do you not see, class? I control all of this . If I want to teach, I teach, if I want to scold, I scold, if I want you expelled, you LEAVE! Student is then slashed across the neck with metal ruler and lifeless corpse thrown out.

Rebellion of the Teachers:
[Context]: Evil teacher Mr. Yap takes over a school:

Yap: Do you not see, principal? I control all of this . If I want a raise, I get it. If I want to rule, I rule. If I want you to die, you DIE!

We are quite sure further examples are sure to follow.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

An Insidious Conspiracy

Attention all students out there! We bring you breaking news from our undercover correspondent, Cookie Sim, also famed as supreme ruler of the glorious Crap. Anyway, our supreme ruler has been busy for the past several days investigating a series of shadowy leads throughout Singapore. With help from some allies, he managed to uncover a vast conspiracy that has spread throughout the country. This plot, known as the BSC (Barber-School Conspiracy) has been identified as an outrageous scheme to earn money by both parties. Our economics correspondent, MoneyFace, will explain.

"Every school in Singapore has strict hairstyle rules, as most readers will know. What they haven't realized is just how this benefits the school. It doesn't matter which barber a student goes to, but he must get his hair cut. The barbers can earn millions of dollars a week form this. Now, let me explain how the schools benefit from this. In exchange for the students being forced to cut their hair at ridiculously short intervals, the barbers have to pay the schools a dividend of the profits! Now you see it, right? It comes together clearly, doesn't it? How do you think all those big schools survived for so long? It's obvious proof!"

Although this discovery is a great victory for the Daily Crap, Cookie is certain there are much more conspiracies to be found behind the thin veneer of government cover-ups. Stay tuned for more developments in this exciting saga!

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

The Daily Crap reviews Fraks

I recently launched video recording program known as Fraks created by Beeta Inc has met with enormous success (with what we shall not tell). The morons people at Beeta Inc decided to invite The Daily Crap to review their glorious product.

At first glance, Fraks looks like a pretty good program. It has a single window, a polished UI, it has a pretty neat icon, a yellow computer monitor with the black numbers "99" on it. In the window there are 4 tabs:

-General
This displays your registration details (registration is ongoing at $300 a day) and how much money they have extorted from you so far. It also has some general options such as "allow fraks to play annoying sounds" and "allow fraks to lag your computer" both of which are selected by default and cannot be changed.

-FPS
This is the Fail Pathetic Shooter tab. It allows you to customize how you want your FPS game to lag and do some benchmarking tests that just fail when activated. It also allows you to customize the recording limit, the free version is 1 picosecond while the full version is 1 hour but the recording cannot be stopped when started without invoking a BSOD. There is no fraks for Mac.

-Movies
This is the tab in which functions like a mini cinema which shows nothing except "signal lost". The display area is about 1x1pixel. However this tab also allows you to do recordings that lag up your computer very badly. The best part is recordings cannot be stopped without (once again) invoking a BSOD.

-Screenshots
This is the tab that you would only see for one time in your life. Basically switching to that tab causes fraks to take screenshots and bullets start penetrating your screen and going into your face! We weren't able to try it as a fraks salesman used it while explaining to us the program. We believe that it would be a once in a lifetime experience and urge everyone to try it!

So thats all for fraps, we rate it a whopping 10 (out of a billion). Stay tuned for more Daily Crap reviews!

Sunday, March 13, 2011

New Server!

Hi all! The Daily Crap has recently purchased a new server at Toilet ConnectionsTM! It would be able to support up to 5 users an hour. We have recently decided to upgrade as our current server is too fast and readers have been flooding our inbox with complaints saying that their browser keeps on diverting them to The Daily Crap! We must inform you that this is absolutely not a trojan virus from one of our latest free downloads: Computer Asplode. It is absolutely not a trojan. It is merely because your computer is so fast it knows you want to visit the Daily Crap sometime in the future and loaded it immediately! So we shall make our webpage take an hour to load and serve as many as 5 users at a time! Isn't that amazing? To make things better we have graciously decided to measure your level of patience by hiring a few snails to do the installation. So far, they have managed to pull the server out of their factory! Isn't that amazing? In addition to that, we have specially requested for incompatible cables and trunking of wrong sizes to further measure your degree of patience! Expect the server to be installed by 3580CE!
Our New Server!

Saturday, January 29, 2011

New Daily Crap Picture!

We've managed to fire our lead art designer responsible for this boring and distasteful picture:
After euthanizing respectfully firing him, we went on to create our own and new Daily Crap Picture!
It would now be our official TDC picture until we decide to change it!

Anniversary Update!

Hi all, again!
Here at The Daily Crap, we have came up with more activities to torture and kill keep you happy and supportive of us! First up, we have came up with all new activities that are suited for the whole family!

1) Bungee Jumping! Don't worry, we will provide ropes, but they are 3km long! More than enough to smash your heads on the spikes below! Trimming rates are at $100 per meter cut! If you do survive, we shall leave you hanging as our snipers could definitely use some extra training!

2) BASE jumping! We know this would appeal to all BASE jumpers out there! We will get all the licensing done to allow you to do BASE jumping legally! We will give you a school bag and you must pay $900,000 for the parachute and an extra $600,000 if you do not want our machine gunners to not be shooting you when you are jumping!

3) Killer Monopoly! What's better than monopoly? Killer Monopoly of course! Instead of buying properties, pay money to get a shot at the other players! You win when you kill them all!

These are the three activities, we've come up with so far, but stay tuned for more!

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Upcoming Anniversary!

It is just 4 months away from the first anniversary of our Daily Crap Newspaper!
Now, giveaway question:
When was TDC started (officially)?
Yell your answer out now before you read the next line! If you are the first person to yell, our sniper would shoot a zip line into your room and give you an official TDC mug, plus 3 years free subscription to use the TDC building luxury bathroom (note that we do not have ordinary bathrooms)! If you cheat however, the sniper would shoot you in the head and ninjas would enter and chop you to unrecognizable bits and bury them all over the world. If you are 2nd place and below, you will be given a free TDC bomb clock that really explodes! So start thinking before you view the next line! If you do answer, that's fine, we just activate the spikes in your chair. So that you will say "Ouch!" which will be the wrong answer and you will be executed.

Answer:  1st April 2010! And that is no joke!

Yes! TDC officially begun on 1st april 2010, though unofficially, it was born on March the 30th 2010 at the Bridge from Dover MRT station to the bus stop with the 74. On 31st we began to publish our newspapers, and on 1st april, we decided to post some articles and also some "Instant Updates" on our website. Then 2 months later, we came up with the Daily Crap wikia!

So now that our first anniversary is closing in, we decided to celebrate with a big bang! Yes! Literally! The nuclear bomb beneath your floor would instantly explode and you would be incinerated, while we have fun developing our TDC game! But then again, that would happen 4 months later. We have also lined up some interesting events for you, and some fantastic lucky draws!

events:
1) Sinking Battleships
Two teams, two ships, one objective: Destroy the enemy.
But how? Each player would be given a missile which he/she would have to launch without any help. Yep, that means lifting 90 tonnes on your shoulder and getting incinerated by the thrusters of the missile! Best of all, you would be playing this in the Bermuda triangle!

2) Immense stupidity
Battle of the brains! Yes! You will literally, battle with opponents by bashing your head onto theirs until someone's brains come out! Then it would continue and the last player would face off with the boss - a hammer!

3) Battlefail 2
People would participate in a game that involves real guns, real bullets, real planes and real bombs! They would attempt to defeat as many opponents as possible and advance in rank. The highest would be Sardonic Moron and the player would be forced to commit honorable suicide! Remember, this is just a game, so play fair! (irony)

4) April Fool's superglue
Remember how people loved to glue superglue to chairs? Now we play it for real! People will play musical chairs but one chair would be sabotaged. When the music starts playing and one player fails to stand up, he will be shot!

5) Exclusive shot with the TDC team!
Now you get to get a shot with the TDC team. Simply come down to our building, stand in front of the camera with us and the sniper behind you will give you the "shot"! Also, the camera would take a picture at the exact moment your head became a watermelon!

There will also be more events soon, so stay tuned for updates!

Lucky Draws:

1) The "self" lucky draw
You will be given a box and you will reach in to grab the prize, which is a gold bar. Watch out for the industrial grade lasers and electricity prods in the box though.

2) TDC draw
Simply enter your name, email address, home address, bank account number, credit card number, pin number and all personal details we demand. After we spend the day selling your information to telemarketers, we will burn all papers until one is left, we will then send ninjas to kill him/her.

3) TDC electronic draw
Same as TDC draw, just that we you do it on the net and we divert you to the telemarketer's website instead!

There will be more draws, so don't worry if you don't get to die!

That's all for now, we are also planning on a nuke pinata but that would be after we bribe insurance agents. So stay tuned for more updates!

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Opposite of Laksalium now found!

Previously, here on the daily crap (TDC), we have informed you of the great laksalium that happens to be a new element! We have also promised updates on the inverse of laksalium (so as to speak) if it was found. Well, wait no more folks! After a month of intensive research, F-minus labs have did it again! They have found the inverse of laksalium, an it's (dramatic music) Pizzalium! That's right! Pizzalium! Here are some facts on Pizzalium we managed to get (using COMPLETELY legal ways [/sarcasm]):

- Like Laksalium, Pizzalium makes up all the Pizzas in the world, all Pizza's, big all small, Hawaiian or not, are made of the small but mighty Pizzalium!
- Pizzalium atoms consist of three major parts:
>Doughtrons (equivalent of an atom's neutron)
>Cheesetons (equivalent of an atom's proton)
>Toppingtrons (equivalent of an atom's electrons)

- The doughtrons are the "base of the atom" the exist in a flat circular shape and have two known "states" (something not observed in an atom before this)
>ThinCrust
>NormalCrust
The state of the doughtrons determine the type of crust of the entire pizza

- The cheesetons have many states, a few include
> Mozzarella
>Cheddar
>etc...
The state of the cheeseton determines the type of cheese found in the crust of the entire pizza

- The toppingtrons have many states, popular ones include
>Hawaiian
>Spicy Chicken
>etc...
The toppingtrons determine the type of toppings found on the pizza.

- When two Pizzalium atoms collide, they fuse together, when this happens, two things may happen:
>If both Pizzalium atoms have all subatomic particles of the same type (regardless of number), they fuse and become a bigger pizzalium atom (resulting in a pizza, in the long-run)
>If they have subatomic particles of different states, the particles with different states would fuse and release energy. The remaining particles form the resultant Pizzalium atom. This is why you don't see chefs combining different toppings, as they fear for their lives.

- Pizza restaurants are frequently experimenting with different states unknowingly. What they call experimenting with new flavors is actually using hi-tech atomic instruments to make new pizzalium atoms. This has been a closely guarded secret for decades, because no pizza companies want to break their own rice bowls.

- When a new pizzalium atom is made, the chefs fuse it with neutral pizzalium atoms (neutral pizzalium atoms have subatomic particles in neutral states). By baking them, they can fuse the pizzalium atoms together, forming a pizza. they are also careful to make copies of a successful pizzalium in order to make more pizzas that sell

- Since Pizzalium is the inverse of Laksa lium, they cannot be close together as they would annihilate each other and cause a huge explosion. That's why no pizza restaurant serves laksa with pizza.

With this new research and stolen equipment from pizza restaurants (did I mention that?), F-minus labs have made a discovery that would revolutionized physics once again! We wish them luck in their continued determination to change our understanding of physics in future!
To donate to F-minus labs and support their cause, call 1900-112-6868, thank you

Disclaimer: TDC will not compensate for losses or injuries such as brain explosions or loss of money from reading this article and calling any numbers found in the article. However, we do hope that it does affect you as we are plain sadists.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

F-Minus Labs Strike Again

Recently, researchers at the acclaimed F-Minus Labs, the famous labs whose discoveries have brought us to the brink of destruction at least three times, have made a immense discovery. We dispatched several reporters to the complex, which is the size of a country. Reporters Moneyface, KitKatLover 999 and other experienced journalists were ushered inside by Professor Dan, head of the Atomic Bomb department.

"Please come in, my dear reporters. I am glad that an acclaimed newspaper saw fit to come to our humble laboratory. I will show you that you have not wasted your time." Our reporters were then brought to a massive machine. "This is our Large Foodstuff Collider. Using it, we have discovered a new side of nature, starting with a new element: [dramatic drumroll please] Laksalium."

"It started when we were smashing together bowls of laksa at near-lightspeed to make atom bombs. We found something strange. It appeared that instead of splitting into the normal subatomic particles, the laksa had remained as an atom. Analyzing this, we found the element laksalium."

After this, Professor Dan's speech grew a little convoluted, but luckily Moneyface had the sense to take down notes which he sold on the black market for $1,000,000,000 afterwards. Basically:

-Laksa is made of laksalium atoms in a crystal lattice.
-This lattice is always in the shape of bowls, no matter how many laksalium atoms there are in one.
The laksalium protons and neutrons are themselves made of different fundamental particles, and they have been dubbed laktons and neusas.
-Rach lakton (equivalent of proton) contains two laksa quarks and one pizza quark, while each neusa (neutron) contains the converse.
-Theoretically, there are entire stars, planets, galaxies and even universes made of laksalium. And they are all shaped like bowls.
-There is an opposite of laksalium, but Dan and his team and F-minus labs have not discovered it yet.

Dear readers, please stay tuned for more updates on the element Laksalium. And of course, remember that The Daily Crap is not responsible for any brain-melting or other ailment resulting from the made-up nonsense on our site.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Daily Crap Bookstore: Now Open!

In response to the overwhelming success of the TDC's recent automobile line, which recieved rave reviews from (brainwashed) critics, The Daily Crap has decided to launch its very own bookstore on the shores of Orchard River. Ignoring worries from workers and engineers alike, Financial Advisor Moneyface stubbornly negotiated building costs to $1. Despite this, many TDC fans were enthusiastic about the upcoming bookstore. Said Brainwashed Fool, "When it opens, I'm going to buy all the books in there, no matter the cost!" We Daily Crap editors are of course delighted to hear this support.

The first books in the store are scheduled to arrive on 21 December 2012, and are selected books suggested by our cooking correspondent, KitKatLover999. They are listed down below:

-Crap of the Day = $400,000
-Superior Filth: Ten Types of Scum = $350,000
-101 Different Types of Mud Pie = $600,000
-The Pathway to Stink: Unlocking the Stench from your Food = $1,000,000
-Ten Worst Places to Eat: Ultimate Tour Guide = $2,500,000
-Crazy Chemist Cookbook: Some Selected Recipes = $1,200,000
-Vomit up Blood: My Experience as a Royal Food Taster = $5,000,000
-"And now, you will die-" Electrifying Eats from Emperor Palpatine = $1,000,000,000,000
-"Argh! I'm on fire!": Sim Cook the Water Burner = $1,234,567
-Pure Fat, the Perfect Nutritional Meal = $200,000

Please do note that the above books come with $1,000,000,000 GST and $1,000,000,000,000,000,000 TDCSC. The reasons for these slightly increased prices are due to obvious inflation. Despite the price hike, we are sure that our new bookstore will have customers from rich and poor alike. Please do note that failure to visit can be construed as high treason against the Galactic Senate of the Republic, and is punishable with death.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

New Apple product secretly leaked!

A New Apple product has been leaked! Following rumors that Apple was creating a new product, The Daily Crap dispatched many reporters to various locations to research on Apple's supposed product. One of our reporters actually found the product!

According to her, the product was called the iBike it was to be a fully-functional motorcycle that could be synced with your Macbook, ipod and other apple gadgets. Apple was still working on the low fuel mileage, due to the much electricity needed when syncing your gadgets. Our reporter was still investigating when she was discovered. She managed to take a quick picture and sent it to us before she was killed.

This is the Picture:

It is still unknown why isn't the iBike white. But it will be known soon. Further updates would be p;osted once our reporters take over the research facility.

F-minus labs new project

Last quarter, F-minus labs launched a initiative to promote Stupidity and Dumbness to school students in order to breed the morons of the next generation. They sent many emails to various schools asking for permissions to come in as external vendors to train students. They would have a series of projects to train student's stupid thinking, dumbness and how sardonic they are.

Their emails did not go unanswered. Up to 9 schools requested F-minus labs to come to their school. Some wanted seminars while 1 asked for F-minus lab's projects.

And so, F-minus lab's reputation spread. 

In this special Article, The Daily Crap will show the process and results of one such project.

This time, the students were told to craft an experiment to find out how long they can someone else's slapping hand. It would be a painful but fruitful experience.

Most of the groups came up with a simple but effective experiment. They would get someone to attempt to slap another student as hard  as possible. They would try one "slap run" to get the control results. Then they would let the student avoid the slapping hand. Ultimately they would get slapped, but the timing matters.

After many slaps, most of the groups finished. However, one group was still timing. The slapper and the slapee had been running for 4 hours but they were still continuing the experiment until the slapee was slapped.

This shows the effectiveness of F-minus labs in  bringing out the stupidity and idioticness of students. 

Cable Company turns to Garbage Disposal

A local Cable Company known as "GoodCable" has turned to Garbage Disposal. Our reporter has the news.

According to our reporter, recent turns in the economy has affected GoodCable. Their profit margin is decreasing rapidly and they have no way to pay off their long term debts. It seems that many people have stopped subscribing to cable to save money.

GoodCable's solution? To turn to the less developed but essential market of garbage disposal. According to them: "Garbage Disposal is essential and nobody can live without it. Thus it makes a good and stable business. We aren't aiming to make profits, just to get by this recession." -these are the words of GoodCable's newly elected CEO. Apparently, the idea was quite well received.

Starting from next week, GoodCable will be turned to GoodRubbish. They will be disposing rubbish of a small residential town. They hope to pay back their debts and get by the recession. But it is still unsure if they can do a good job.

"They are cable providers, all they know to do is to broadcast... and sit back with their legs stretched and play Blackjack." -Resident of Hupton Town

"Don't worry, we will provide our employees with good training."  -CEO of GoodRubbish

Who will be right? We shall find out soon...

More updates would be posted.

Traffic Cones Appearing in weird places

Lately, traffic cones have been found in many places around the world. Some in the weirdest and most absurd places. Check out these incidents:

-A man finds a traffic cone in his car on Saturday. How did it get there is anyone's guess, even the police is baffled by this flawless crime
-A Cafe owner finds a traffic cone on his Cafe's roof. He wants to get it down but refuses to call in "expensive" professionals.
-A woman was extremely happy when her cat jumped down from a tree after it climbed up. Apparently, a traffic cone was up in the tree and the cat was frightened by it.
-A new religion has came- TrafficConalism. The person who started it claimed to have found 5 traffic cones in his room and saw it as a sign from some higher being.
-A woman is now suing a traffic cone for allegedly peeping at her after she found it in her bathroom.
-A highway was jammed for 3 hours because of 16 traffic cones, nailed to the ground. The police are still investigating on who is behind this.
-A new game console was mistaken as a traffic cone. The traffic cone was in the place of the game console when it was unveiled. Resulting in large misconception.
-People started buying traffic cones that a store claimed to not sell. It is unsure if the owner was lying or it was another case of appearing cones.

Coincidence? We doubt it. However, we still do not know who is behind this.

But we can be sure of one thing:

The fact that a mysterious person known only as SHGH buying 5 billion traffic cones is TOTALLY unrelated to the incidents we see.

Further updates will be posted. Stay tuned.

The Daily Crap Luxury Automobiles

The Daily Crap has launched its new line of products: The Daily Crap Luxury Automobiles (TDCLA). We aim to sell quality and yet cheap automobiles to our loyal readers of The Daily Crap. To start off this great new range of products, we have put together and amazing offer as an opening "gift".

All TDCLA cars now cost $10 until the end of September (this does not include the $1000,000 GST, the $9000,000,000 The Daily Crap Special Charge [TDCSC])

However, for these extras, you need extra cash:
-Basic wheels = $23000
-Basic Windows = $46000
-Basic engine = $87,000,000
-Basic drive train = $90600
-Basic gearbox = $326000
-Basic brake kit  $64000
-Basic boot = $242000
-Basic Chassis = $361000,000
-Basic bumper kit = $23000
-Basic dashboard = $312,000,000
-Basic steering wheel = $8300
-Basic gear knob  $86000
-Basic seats = $312000
-Basic side-skirts = $31000
-Basic engine cooling $32000
-Basic Air-conditioner = $472000
-Basic exhaust system =$912000
-Basic Air intake system =$312000

*Note: none of these are included in the original car
**Note: of all the above, GST  and TDCSC was not included

Not only that, you have to be a TDC slave for the rest of your life.

Oh yes, we also included a Insurance Package for you!
Insurance Package Covers:
-Your car getting stolen by Martians
-Your car being attacked by stormtroopers
-Your car being blown up in a Nuclear Blast
-Your car trapped on mount everest
-You car stuck on an outer space planet
-Your car sucked into a black hole

The Insurance does not cover anything else.
Also, you have to be alive to claim the insurance.
The incident must also be proven by 10,000 eyewitnesses (no more, no less).


So are you interested?
If yes, come down to the TDC Central Building.
If no, an experienced sniper would blow your head in 3 seconds (Don't bother to run).

We hope you benefit from this Offer!

New Games Store Comes after Electronic's Store's success

Just a day after the grand debut of Toilet Electronics, The CEO of Toilet Incorporated opened it's next branch of stores: Toilet Gaming. Toilet Gaming is a store that sells good games from those good game makers like EA and etc.. however, it did come with a twist. The games are the cheapest you can get. In fact, just the first day of its opening, all its games were sold. But not to fret, there are a whole lot more stock. So what makes this store so special. For starters, its games cost $1 or less. Not only that, they are not pirated nor of bad quality at all. They even included a lifetime warranty as long as your house owns 2 toilet bowls! Amazing! The Daily Crap editorial crew quickly snatched up 3 copies of Empire at War Gold Pack. They were about to get other games when they realized that all the other games were all bought! They quickly made their purchase and left.

Indeed, Toilet Incorporated are good getting bargains. We shall see if other Gaming shops close down.

Another Note: It is unsure if they really bought in bulk or took the games out of toilets.

New City Created

Recently, a new city was created on a vast plot of unowned land. The creator, NuclearProActiveGuy, claimed the city had been created out of 'quantum energy'. This sounded so advanced that our reporter decided not to question further. Curiously, the city, so far, has a total population of zero. When questioned, Mayor NuclearProActiveGuy refused to admit defeat. "I'm sure people will soon arrive. Isn't it great to see hundreds of nuclear reactors on your back door, pumping out clean and green energy into our houses?!"

On an completely unrelated note, massive tornadoes have been spotted in the vicinity of NuclearTown. As usual, Mayor NuclearProActiveGuy refused to worry. "Everything will be fine! I'm sure these tornadoes pose no threat to our glorious city. It remains to be seen whether he is right.

TRIVIAL NEWS #2

Time for another round of trivial news. We believe that the details always matter, thus we bring you TRIVIAL NEWS #2:

1) New word is officially in dictionary: Dictionary

2) Facebook addict suicided after realising that he forgot to check his G-mail for 8 months

3) Crap Ranter's News Channel CEO gets fired by his cleaner.

4) Boy eats contaminated blueberry pie and can see through walls as long as the walla sre demolished.

5) Cookie Monster rummages dustbins for his missing eyeballs.

Monday, August 23, 2010

A Random conversation

I ripped this script from some random guy's computer. And I was like. HUH????



Random Person 1: Hey. Do you know what year this is?

Random Person 2: Its 2 years from our dooms day!

Random Person 3: No… It’s the International Year of Sucky Morons

Random Person 2: Really??? What in the Pluto is this Sucky thing?

(Random Mickey Mouse cartoon plays in background)

Random Person 4: Its called Humor

Random Person 1&2: Huh? What is that?

Random Person 4: Humor is short for Hypothetical MORons

Random person 2: And what does the “U” represent?

Random Person 4: It is to test if you are a Hypothetical Moron, if you ask that question; you are a hypothetical moron too.

Random Person 1: And what are hypothetical Morons?

Random Person 3: There is something called Toilet Bowl

Random Person 1: And what are toilet bowls related to my question?

Random Person 3: Because if you are also a hypothetical Moron, you will reply like that. If not, you will obediently buy a toilet bowl for me to eat.

Random Person1: To eat?

Random Person 3: You see? What’s wrong with these guys? They keep on asking questions that prove that they are morons that drag us down and are a colossal waste of time.

Random Person 4: Be patient…

Random Person 4: Patient? I’m gonna cry. NOOOOO.

(Random person 4 cries)

Random Person 1: Is he alright?

Random Person 4: No he’s dead.

Random Person 1: No he isn’t, he’s alive

(Random person 4 shoots random person 3)

Random Person 4: There, he’s dead, I win.

Random Person 1: Fine, but you haven’t answered my question on the International Year of Sucky Morons

Random Person 4: Okay, firstly, you need to know that since you two are Hypothetical Morons, you guys have to participate in the convention

Random Person 2: What convention?

Random Person 4: I don’t like your face, so shut up.

Random person 1: What convention?

Random Person 4: well, the convention is for those people who are HUMOR or are SAM

Random Person 2: What are SAMs?

Random Person 4: They are Sardonic Morons and people whose name is Sam.

Random Person 2: Okayyy…

Random Person 1: Okay, what’s the convention about?

Random Person 4: It talks about how sucky you guys are and it has the “Greatest Idiot Competition”.

Random Person 1: Tell us about this “Greatest Idiot Competition” thing?

Random Person 4: It’s a competition that awards the most idiotic people on Earth

Random Person 2: Can we win?

Random Person 4: Can, just be the suckiest person on Earth.

Random  person 1&2: We shall start on it.

Large Bulk of City's Power Goes Missing

The weekly power report always pass by auditing without any problem. But last week's power report raises lots of suspicion. According to official reports 99% of the city's power was seeped. Causing the large number of blackouts and lift shutdowns as seen the previous week. Where the power is going is still unknown, however, the power seeped is enough to power over 5 billion LHC simultaneously and continuously for 1 month! Just 3 months ago, the government launched the "Alternative Energy Project" which aims to develop alternate sources and fuels to power the city and fight the energy crisis. The result of the project led to the city being powered by and extra 10 anti-matter/matter colliders which produce over 9 million billion terawatts of energy per week, any more and the colliders would blow up. The city is powered by an extra 500 mega geothermal power plants and over 90 fusion power plants and counting. This led to a increase of 9, 936,517,236,412,734,723,921% of power as compared to the previous amount power generated. This led to large speculation over what could use so much power.

However, The Daily Crap has the answer (as usual). Apparently, one of our research scientists was trying to levitate a burger using a simulated Sith Lightning. This resulted in much power being used up. The scientist is now taken into questioning. As for those who are willing to pay over a quintillion dollars for electrical bill to levitate a burger 1/2 a centimeter above the ground, the Sith Lightning Levitation Kit is sold for 1 billion dollars at our Daily Crap Central warehouse. So drop by if interested.